1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,205
Here's your check.

2
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:07,041
Sorry about the
entire experience.

3
00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:08,376
Ugh.

4
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,244
You're gonna have to take it
the rest of the way.

5
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,646
I slept funny
last year.

6
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,682
You know, I happen to be
a massage therapist,

7
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:17,818
and I happen to be broke,
so what do you say

8
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,254
I get that crick
out of your neck as your tip?

9
00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:23,491
I miss being able
to just say no.

10
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,159
Hold on, I have to run this
by a person

11
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,061
who's been poor longer.

12
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:31,199
Sadly, that guy over there is
offering me a massage as a tip.

13
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,367
Sadly-er, I'm considering it.

14
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:36,537
Sadly-est, you were here
when that old woman punched me

15
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:40,374
in the breast and then
asked for change, right?

16
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,143
We're not doing great.

17
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:44,812
There's got to be somebody
doing worse than you two.

18
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:49,217
Like that guy who got left
on Mars last year.

19
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,384
Question, girls.

20
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,286
I'm making a healthier menu.

21
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,556
Should I advertise no trans fat,
or does that sound like

22
00:00:55,589 --> 00:01:00,528
I'm trying to keep out
Chaz Bono?

23
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,664
Not now, Han,
I have a massage scheduled.

24
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,167
All the stress of acting
like you're working

25
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,635
starting to get to you?

26
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,206
Oh.

27
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,208
OLEG: Oh.

28
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,676
Oh, yeah.

29
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,845
Oh, yeah.

30
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,847
Oh, yeah!

31
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,850
Oh yeah.

32
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,485
Yes!
OLEG: Yeah.

33
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:27,588
Oh, yes!
OLEG: (moaning)

34
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,856
Yes!

35
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,358
Oh...yes!

36
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,559
Yes! Yes!

37
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,761
(bell ringing)
CAROLINE: Yes, yes, yes!

38
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:35,696
(squealing)

39
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,666
(bell ringing)

40
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,772
I just had
what she's having.

41
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,410
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

42
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,578
(cash register bell dings)

43
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:55,383
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

44
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:01,422
Max, are you busy right now?

45
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,225
- No, I'm at work.
- Cool.

46
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,859
I'm gonna call
a staff meeting.

47
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:09,230
I used to call my driver to pick
up sushi during Gilmore Girls,

48
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:11,899
but now I call
staff meetings at a diner.

49
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,601
Hey!

50
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:17,371
Only I can call staff meetings
at the diner.

51
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,407
It's one of the perks
of the job.

52
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,210
Well, it's the perk
of the job.

53
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,545
Well, it's okay.

54
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,514
The staff meeting
is about the dessert bar

55
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,416
Max and I are opening
in our cupcake window.

56
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,451
If you want, Han,
you can call the meeting,

57
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,220
but I can't imagine
you'd be petty enough

58
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,721
to take the thrill
away from Caroline.

59
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,257
Staff meeting!

60
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,525
See, this is what happens

61
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:41,862
when the mother cat
refuses to lick the runt.

62
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,932
Okay, so I'm checking
on the dessert bar assignments

63
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,367
I gave everyone.

64
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,768
Earl, did you call your cousin

65
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,837
at that liquor distributor
about getting us a discount?

66
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,405
Now, why would I call him?

67
00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:55,843
I owe him $10,000
and a kidney.

68
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,811
So that's a "not yet."

69
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,580
I haven't done
my thing, either.

70
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:02,416
(laughs)

71
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,685
Caroline, with all your money
from Hollywood,

72
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,255
you could pay other people
to do this stuff...

73
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:10,824
and also replace the
transmission on a 2012 Yaris.

74
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,695
We have to save all our movie
money for the dessert bar.

75
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:18,432
Believe it or not, my boobs
can't get us zoning permits.

76
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:21,802
But they did get us kicked out
of an architect's office.

77
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,305
Oleg, did you talk to your
connection at City Hall

78
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,706
about expediting
our liquor license?

79
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,842
Yes, she told me,
"Don't ever sneak into my home

80
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,745
through the bathroom
window again."

81
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,547
Oh, this is rich.

82
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,849
Now you two see
some of the hell I go through

83
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,385
as a small business owner.

84
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,453
No, you go through hell
'cause nobody wants to

85
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:43,791
see your small business.

86
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,793
Staff meeting over!

87
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,028
Small staff meeting.

88
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,563
Max, your boyfriend
is a lawyer.

89
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:50,898
When you're at his
hotel tonight,

90
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,733
can you ask him to look
at our liquor license?

91
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,968
Also, could you fill an
ice bucket with mini shampoos

92
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,337
and bring it home?

93
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,738
No on both counts.

94
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:59,773
You're not using Randy
for legal advice.

95
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,009
And as for the shampoo,
they switched to a pump

96
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:05,879
bolted to the wall,
'cause I was getting greedy.

97
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,615
Hey, Randy.

98
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:08,416
Hey, Earl.

99
00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:10,618
Saw your rant on Twitter
last night.

100
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:13,053
And I agree;
what self-respecting Sizzler

101
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,855
runs out of Sprite?

102
00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:16,624
I put that on Twitter?

103
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,793
I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.

104
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,464
Hey there, beautiful.

105
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,433
Mm.

106
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,604
So I thought we'd try
something different tonight.

107
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,640
You on top?

108
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,708
No, I'm not talking
about changing

109
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:37,345
our whole power dynamic.

110
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,647
I'm talking about staying
at your apartment.

111
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,483
So, you on bottom?

112
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,585
'Cause that's where I live.

113
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:45,853
No, really.

114
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,389
We're living in a fantasy world,
that hotel room.

115
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,391
I mean, a really
sexy fantasy world,

116
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,360
with people cleaning up after us

117
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,495
and a maid who knew you
from high school.

118
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:59,367
Boy, was she surprised
to see me naked and alive.

119
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,669
I know I always am.

120
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:03,804
And Max, I've been
to your apartment.

121
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,072
It wasn't that bad.

122
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:08,008
Uh, okay, fine.
We can stay at my place.

123
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,643
But it's BYOC.

124
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,713
Bring your own
carbon monoxide detector.

125
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,419
Well, here we are.

126
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,821
Slum, sweet slum.

127
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,956
She says that every time
she walks in here.

128
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,759
It's usually to scare the crack
addict out of our kitchen.

129
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,096
Allen, are you here?

130
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,031
All right,
well, this is it.

131
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,566
What do you want to do now?

132
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,669
We usually go to sleep
so death comes sooner.

133
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:38,439
RANDY: You guys,
I can handle an apartment.

134
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,007
Don't let my
broad shoulders, stubble,

135
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,544
and Adam's apple confuse you;
I am, in fact, a man.

136
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,046
Coming up straight ahead
is the kitchen.

137
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,515
But I don't have to
tell you that.

138
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,617
You can smell the gas.

139
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:53,521
Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,

140
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,789
but they do cause cancer.

141
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:56,957
(knocking)

142
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,726
Ooh, let me guess:
the Grim Reaper?

143
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:02,129
No, the Grim Reaper comes on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.

144
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,366
Hey, girls.

145
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:13,641
And Randy.
Oh.

146
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:17,110
Someone's been taking
his handsome pills.

147
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,480
Well, they make them
in chewable now.

148
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,949
Makes it a lot easier.

149
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,116
Oh, Randy's here?

150
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,486
Hey, hey, hey, bro.

151
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,887
We should hang
upstairs later.

152
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,757
We can eat pizza
and watch dirty movies.

153
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:33,827
It's not delivery;
it's DiPorno.

154
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:36,597
That's a hard no.

155
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:40,768
Girls, we need to store
some stuff in your place.

156
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,837
Oleg and I are baby-proofing
our apartment.

157
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,173
My mom baby-proofed
our house for me.

158
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,009
She put a club
on the steering wheel.

159
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,044
So in this duffle bag,
I have--

160
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,179
He's opening it!

161
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,781
Randy, close your eyes!

162
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,082
Relax.

163
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:56,784
It's just swords

164
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,619
and sex toys.

165
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,788
Oh, I think
one of them's both.

166
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:04,925
Are you referring
to sex-calibur?

167
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,661
Oh, I love this one.

168
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,129
This is the sword we used

169
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:13,166
when we were playing
Bonan the Barbarian.

170
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,702
SOPHIE: And you know what?

171
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:18,105
It's good to give to
the less sexually fortunate.

172
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,573
Yeah.

173
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,676
The sex toys are for you,
Caroline.

174
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:25,579
I'm good,
I had a massage.

175
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,820
Hiya!

176
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,855
What are you doing?

177
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,691
This is how all the great ninjas
eat their bagels.

178
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:38,959
CAROLINE: Where's Randy?

179
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:42,095
Did he go back to the
land of not-expired milk,

180
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,764
and not-expired honey?

181
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,733
No, he's stronger
than I thought.

182
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:49,002
Much like that little person
I arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.

183
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,640
I love it here.

184
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,842
I just took the grayest shower
of my life.

185
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:57,811
Did you just say "grayest"
or "greatest"?

186
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:58,979
No, I said gray.

187
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,280
I was being kind.

188
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,082
It was brown.

189
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:05,653
All right, well, come on,
your sword bagel is ready.

190
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:08,689
God, I do miss having sex.

191
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,559
Also, what is the deal with--

192
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,561
Oh!
God! Oh!

193
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,162
Ugh, I just stepped on
something painful.

194
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,130
Really painful!

195
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,232
Is there a nail sticking up
through the floor?

196
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,701
[gasps]

197
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,770
Oh no, he stepped on
Nail Patrick Harris!

198
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:26,006
Oh, I forgot to warn you
about that stupid nail.

199
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,642
It's been there forever.
I just know to avoid it by now.

200
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,110
Everyone does;
that's why we named it

201
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,979
"Nail Patrick Harris."

202
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,146
Are you okay?

203
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,648
You look like you're
in a lot of pain.

204
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:35,816
Do you want to roll the dice

205
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,217
with one of the pills
in the couch?

206
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,652
I'm fine.
It's not that bad.

207
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,821
Okay, well lift up your foot.
Let me see.

208
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,791
(grunting)

209
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:49,697
(screaming)

210
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,065
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

211
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:54,902
Randy?

212
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,270
This is bad.

213
00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,708
I think we have to
take you to Hapitalito.

214
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,710
Well, I must be losing
consciousness.

215
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:03,944
That sounded like gibberish.

216
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,746
No, you heard me right,
I said Hapitalito.

217
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,147
That's our
healthcare provider.

218
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,583
It's a guy with a shopping cart
filled with Band-Aids,

219
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:10,751
and most of them
aren't used.

220
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,853
Max, I have insurance.

221
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,855
Well, I don't think
he takes insurance,

222
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,257
but if you have
old TCBY cards,

223
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,993
five is good for
"uno surgeria."

224
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:22,630
Well, maybe it stopped.

225
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:25,766
(screaming)

226
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,705
I'm Carrie!
I'm Carrie at the prom!

227
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,042
Caroline, come on,
we have to go.

228
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,145
I'm already covered in blood.
Just leave me to die.

229
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:39,747
MAX: Oh, calm down!

230
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:42,015
If this had happened with
any of my regular type of guys,

231
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,718
you'd be halfway to
Hep C right now.

232
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,722
Help! Help!

233
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,658
My apartment tried
to kill my boyfriend!

234
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:51,825
He's gonna die!

235
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:53,927
I'm not gonna die,
Max.

236
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,929
Although, this CVS bag
you tied around my foot

237
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,698
has completely cut off
the circulation.

238
00:09:57,731 --> 00:10:01,034
And the ten-foot receipt's
caught in the wound.

239
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,404
My boyfriend needs
medical attention.

240
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,039
Oh, really?

241
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,308
I thought he was here
for a sensible pantsuit

242
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:11,178
at a reasonable price.

243
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,914
Oh, I recognize you

244
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,816
from the last time
we were in here.

245
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,317
I wasn't attracted to you then,

246
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,287
but I see you've added balding
and a beard to the mix.

247
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,723
Ha, ha,
I remember you too.

248
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:25,258
The devil wears Target.

249
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,360
We need a good doctor,

250
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:30,764
so he better not
be from America.

251
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,265
'Cause he has insurance.

252
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,967
Show him the card, Randy.

253
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,135
(gasps)

254
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,904
Could I touch it?

255
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:42,009
Oh, good for you, a PPO.

256
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,378
You know, I cleaned up
some PPO right there.

257
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,314
Come on, this is serious!

258
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,717
He might have "Tetris"!

259
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:53,754
He's got the beloved
Russian puzzle game?

260
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,756
Are you sure he doesn't
have a case of the

261
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,158
Super Mario Brothers?

262
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:00,828
Well, there's a lot
of people ahead of you,

263
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,030
so why don't you take
your boyfriend's boo boo

264
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:04,431
and sit down?

265
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,033
Fine.

266
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,301
But he better not die,
'cause if he does,

267
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:12,105
I'm gonna take those buttons
and pin them to your sack.

268
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,708
Promise?

269
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,745
Damn it!

270
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,212
I guess we're gonna
be here forever.

271
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:22,950
The exact amount of time
Caroline's shower took.

272
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,918
Oh, so it's my fault
your boyfriend

273
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,755
Freddy Krueger-ed
all over me?

274
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,489
Caroline, I am so sorry.

275
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,924
That's okay, Randy.

276
00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,225
You can make it up to me.

277
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,861
Right now!

278
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,996
I just so happen to have our
liquor license application,

279
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,865
if you want to
take a look-see.

280
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:41,001
Do you also want to be pinned to
that albino's sack, Caroline?

281
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,139
Okay, coming through.

282
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:47,841
Okay, let me clear a path.

283
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:54,447
Now I know how
my grandma Dorothy felt.

284
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:55,816
Oh, good, you're back.

285
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:57,150
Randy,
are you okay?

286
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,085
Oh, I'm fine.

287
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,320
Did some shopping
after you left the ER.

288
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:03,190
Like my new bag?

289
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,357
Ooh.

290
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,793
If you need
a clutch to match,

291
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:08,996
I have something
similar in Ziploc.

292
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,899
Because the nail was rusted
and the open wound

293
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:15,002
touched our floor, they gave
Randy an IV of antibiotics.

294
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:18,405
And not even a whisper
of Vicodin for old Maxie.

295
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,808
Well, Max, one of us
has to go to work

296
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,776
and pretend
both of us are there.

297
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:23,944
Well, it's gonna
have to be you.

298
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,445
I can't leave Randy here.

299
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:29,482
It's like a haunted house,
but the dangers are real.

300
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,885
Max, you're
going to work.

301
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,420
I'll be fine here.

302
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,323
I had a time-share
with Sean Penn.

303
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,293
I'm not going anywhere.

304
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,462
It's my fault you got
nailed in my apartment,

305
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,198
and I'm staying here
to protect you.

306
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,267
You're going to work.

307
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,002
I'll be okay.

308
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,971
But you're very cute
when you're worried.

309
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,340
Like when you thought the hotel
didn't get Cartoon Network.

310
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,043
All right, fine.

311
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:58,078
But call me if you
need me to come back.

312
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,981
I'll tell Han I'm working
the rest of my shift from home.

313
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:04,885
Oh, my God!

314
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,553
I just remembered
I didn't tell Randy

315
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,155
about the pothole
in my bedroom.

316
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:09,923
Max, relax.

317
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,158
I haven't seen you
this anxious

318
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,160
since the Dominos
pizza tracker went down.

319
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,361
Look, woman!

320
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:17,030
Randy came to New York to see if
our relationship could work,

321
00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,431
but we never should have
left that hotel.

322
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,868
It's like when you go to Vegas
and wander off the strip

323
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,569
and wind up in a
residential neighborhood.

324
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,271
You can't come back
from that.

325
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,908
It's how I wound up living
two years in someone's shed.

326
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,143
I suppose the motivational
newsletter

327
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,245
I sent out this morning
didn't do any good.

328
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:36,583
I don't even know why I bother
publishing What's Going Han?

329
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:40,253
I like the comic strip
about the fat squirrel.

330
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:42,890
That picture was me!

331
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,926
It can't be you;
he had nuts.

332
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,461
And that lady
at table four ordered

333
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,965
before she started knitting
that sweater she's now wearing.

334
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:55,635
(cell phone rings)

335
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,004
Oh, good, it's Randy.

336
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,471
Hey, I forgot to tell you,

337
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,040
you can't drink the tap water

338
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:02,542
within five minutes after
flushing the toilet.

339
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:05,178
Well, can you
make yourself throw up?

340
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,179
(bell dings)

341
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,016
Pickup:
breakfast burrito.

342
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,218
Randy called our landlord

343
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,286
to complain about
Nail Patrick Harris!

344
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,623
I'd rather see him host
something than Ricky Gervais.

345
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,626
We get it: you're mean,
you fat bastard.

346
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,995
Randy called the landlord?

347
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,563
But we're illegal subletters!

348
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:25,398
We're squatters there!

349
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,234
And over most toilets.

350
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:29,369
Come on, Caroline,
we have to get to the apartment

351
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,504
before the landlord does.

352
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,906
You're leaving?

353
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,042
The tollbooth operator
who won Powerball

354
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,177
stayed at their job longer.

355
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,681
Randy, we got to go!

356
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,117
I'll start packing!
You saddle up Chestnut.

357
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:45,652
Yeah, I know the drill:
one pair of shoes,

358
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,154
something you can carry
on your back,

359
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:48,488
and a sun hat for Guatemala--

360
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,457
I mean, wherever we're headed.

361
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:54,294
Randy, you better drink up
the rest of the that IV fluid,

362
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,396
'cause carrying that around
is just gonna slow us down.

363
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:57,965
Max, what in the hell
is going on?

364
00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,199
Why are you freaking out?

365
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,101
I called the landlord
about a nail,

366
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,536
not the FBI about
your passport...

367
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,073
Frank Delaport.

368
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,508
Randy, we're not on the lease
to this apartment.

369
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,210
Oh...

370
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,079
Okay, I'm ready.

371
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,014
I just need ten minutes
to saddle up Chestnut.

372
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,483
It'll give me time
to practice my accent.

373
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,018
We're totally screwed now.

374
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,286
Thanks a lot.

375
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,454
This is why we should have
stayed in the hotel.

376
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:25,092
You could have screwed me there
and I would have loved it.

377
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,426
Max, I just didn't want you

378
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,695
to live with a nail
sticking out of your floor,

379
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,263
and I knew you wouldn't
fix it yourself.

380
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,132
What is that
supposed to mean?

381
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,300
It's like you don't realize

382
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,002
you don't have to
live like this.

383
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,303
Oh, great.

384
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,704
It's like I'm
in a relationship

385
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:40,273
with my high school
guidance counselor.

386
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,978
Again.

387
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,581
You know, your life
can be a whole lot better

388
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,050
than you think it can be.

389
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,019
Why don't you just
hammer the nail in?

390
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,354
Because we are used to it.

391
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:58,191
We just ignore it,
like the rain in my bedroom.

392
00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:00,527
I knew my apartment
would be too real for you,

393
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,096
and now it's not even
gonna be my apartment.

394
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:07,300
All right, Max.

395
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,169
I put the double saddle
on Chestnut,

396
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:10,603
filled the satchel
with trail mix.

397
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,740
That should get us to the
George Washington Bridge.

398
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:15,675
(knocking)

399
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,078
Nobody has to go anywhere.

400
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:20,547
Not even your friend,
the giant piГ±ata.

401
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,151
- Let me deal with this.
MAX: But...

402
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,218
we've never met this guy!

403
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:26,519
All we know about him

404
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:29,089
is that even the guy in 2A
is afraid of him,

405
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:32,092
and he was married to
Kirstie Alley.

406
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:33,560
I can handle myself.

407
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,762
Hand me my fluids.

408
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:38,998
That sounded not manly.

409
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,569
RANDY: Hey, sport,
thanks for coming.

410
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:45,672
He can't talk his way
out of this.

411
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,174
He's wasting his time.

412
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,741
He might as well be
trying to teach shapes

413
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,643
to Kendall Jenner.

414
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,012
RANDY:
No, no, you listen!

415
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,583
Well, Randy's dead.

416
00:16:56,616 --> 00:17:00,353
No matter how many boyfriends
I bury, it's never easy.

417
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,822
I can't believe we're
getting kicked out like this.

418
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,691
In my fantasy,
I bought the building

419
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,593
and opened a sadness museum.

420
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:11,531
Okay, that's it.

421
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:12,699
Took care of the landlord.

422
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:15,568
You killed him?

423
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,570
I'll call Oleg;
we'll get his friend's truck

424
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,272
and take it from here.

425
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,808
Okay, first,
I believe that you have

426
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:25,078
and would cover up a murder.

427
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,246
But nobody's dead.

428
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,747
I just explained to him
the situation,

429
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,282
and you're not
getting kicked out.

430
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:30,850
All right, which one of us
has to marry him?

431
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:34,354
I'll go get my
wedding sweatpants.

432
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,789
I just explained to him
that I'm a lawyer

433
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,625
who sustained an injury
on his property.

434
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:41,161
Then I mentioned the faulty
wiring, the gas leak,

435
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,629
the various wildlife
living here,

436
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,432
and, oh--
that I'm a lawyer.

437
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,701
The word "lawyer" makes
people crap their pants.

438
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:52,172
It's like the juice cleanse
of professions.

439
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,242
And that is why you get
the next two months rent-free,

440
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,776
and you are now officially
on the lease.

441
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,711
- (gasps)
- We're on the lease?

442
00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,879
We're legit?

443
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,714
I have never been legit.

444
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,250
According to my birth
certificate,

445
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,885
I'm actually
a Cabbage Patch doll.

446
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,420
Thank you so much, Randy.

447
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:09,289
I'm gonna go tell Chestnut
the good news.

448
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,590
CAROLINE: Chestnut!

449
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,125
How about that?

450
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:15,528
Your new name
doesn't have to be Pablo.

451
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:16,863
Thank you.

452
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,465
I don't know what
she would have done.

453
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,867
She is not made
for the streets.

454
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,670
She's not even made
for polyester.

455
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,339
This is awkward.

456
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:29,742
Just trying to get a horse
out of a tiny doorway.

457
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,478
All right, up.

458
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,480
I have to get back
to the hotel.

459
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,448
Have you seen
my protective bootie?

460
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,718
Wait, why are you taking your
booties back to the hotel?

461
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:41,754
Well, you're obviously not
comfortable with me being here.

462
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,723
No one's comfortable
being here.

463
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,325
It's here.

464
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,094
Look, Max.

465
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,630
I wanted to stay here because
I wanted to see how you live.

466
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:54,467
Now I know you live on an
Indian food burial ground.

467
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,804
You know what?
You're right.

468
00:18:57,837 --> 00:19:00,307
My life can be better.

469
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,776
We don't have hammer money
yet, so...

470
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:07,580
(pounding)

471
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:09,249
You know what time it is?

472
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,384
It's hammer time!

473
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,820
Well, that's the end of
Nail Patrick Harris.

474
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,388
Are you kidding?

475
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:18,658
With charisma like that,
he's not going anywhere.

476
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,594
I think we just got through
our first fight.

477
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,430
And only one of us
had to go to the hospital,

478
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,198
so I think that's
pretty good.

479
00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:27,367
I think that is pretty good.

480
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,802
You know what else I think?

481
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,305
I love you.

482
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,707
I love you too.

483
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,744
CAROLINE: Aw!

484
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,379
That is so sweet.

485
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,680
I'll give you two
some privacy.

486
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,181
I'll be in my room.

487
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:46,519
Caroline...

488
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,822
Even as a mime,
you're still hot.

489
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,259
While you were at work,
I filled out your application

490
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,227
for the liquor license.

491
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:57,430
Randy, I love you too.

492
00:19:57,464 --> 00:20:00,667
Sorry, the walls are thin,
and I was listening.

493
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,869
(knocking)

494
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,604
Hey, girls.

495
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:08,441
And Randy.
Oh...

496
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,843
I'm gonna need
my duffle bag back.

497
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,879
I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver,

498
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:17,216
but I really miss
my vibrating pearl.

499
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,588
Are these supposed to be
doing other things?

500
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,324
Oh, no, does this mean
you want your swords back?

501
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:26,926
'Cause I was gonna
butter some toast later.

502
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,995
I'm sorry, Caroline.

503
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:31,531
We really missed our sex toys.

504
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:34,801
It's not as exciting when I just
put double-A batteries in Oleg.

505
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,573
(sputtering)

506
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,643
MAX: That's weird.

507
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:46,346
Sophie's the one with sex toys,
I'm the one with the boyfriend,

508
00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,581
and Caroline's the one
who's wet.

509
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:54,354
(cash register bell dings)